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"Asshole" Luke said turning around addressing the man who ran into him as he went in the door of the building that housed his apartment. The other man turned, narrowing his brow, but Luke simply made a disgusted face and turned around. It seemed anything to get his anger surging as of late. Something as simple as going through a doorway could set him off. He didn't even have to hear Ally's name anymore. In fact, more then anything that had become a trigger that sent him off the deep end. Some psychiatrists would call it 'rage black outs.' The mind blocks out anything familiar, the only thing it can focus on is inflicting pain on the other party. If it had a name, Luke always wondered why people were concerned with his anger. Clearly this was something that many people suffered with.
With him it was different. Because Luke liked that angry feeling. He liked the feeling of sheer power that came when everything else canceled out and all that was left was that anger. It was his forbidden fruit, the feeling he wasn't allowed to indulge in. And it wasn't just his parents, his 'friends' or his teachers who had noticed this. Luke was drawing the attention of sinister forces that were outside of the realm of human. He was dancing a fine line between keeping his soul in tact and burning away his humanity in the place of rage. Though he might be naive to what was in store for him, he wasn't deterred from his angry lashing. The only person who could talk him down was Leila. Because right now, she was the only person he still gave a damn about. The more complex things got, the more strain it caused between them. Even if he noticed the strain, it was easier to pretend that it wasn't there.
He practically punched the button for the elevator, it lit up as the doors slid open. And for a moment he was left to his thoughts alone on the elevator. The doors closed and he slouched against the back wall starring up at the ceiling of the elevator as it rose to his floor. His neck still hurt from the most recent fight that he had gotten into. A fight he'd started. A fight he'd finished. And a fight that landed the other man in intensive care. Fuck if Luke cared. What was another police charge against the resident angry rich kid. He didn't care anymore.
Once the elevator stopped, he headed down the hallway to his apartment. An apartment his parent's generously purchased for him. His family wasn't hurting for money, but the apartment was more to put some distance between themselves and their hotheaded son then a show of their financial status. Luke knew that good and well. But he didn't care, it was his chance to have some freedom. Not that he acted like an adult. He pushed the door open, closing and locking it behind him. But as he turned around, he felt like is heart nearly jumped into his throat when he saw Leila waiting there for him. "Jesus Christ" he said holding his hand over his heard. "You scared to hell out of me Lei" he said taking a breath. She was the only person other then his parents that had a key to this apartment. "You didn't tell me you were stopping by, I would have been here sooner" he said trying to make this situation good, but from the look on her face, he wasn't sure she was too happy right now. He braved a smile, but knew not to be expecting anything good from this.
***
She couldn’t lie to herself. She knew sitting in that apartment, waiting for Luke probably made her look like some crazy stalker. If only. She knew, at that moment, she was the exact opposite. She wasn’t stalking him, matter of fact she wanted to be done with him completely. She couldn’t handle his behavior anymore. It was starting to take a toll on her well being, if his behavior didn’t directly affect her.
Everyone knew he had a problem. Everyone was talking about the fact that he had said problem. And because she had been dating him on and off, well… it only made sense that she too was involved. There was nothing that she could do to help him. If she stayed with him, she was risking her life. Sure, he said that he’d never hit her but what if they got into a fight? What if it was s big, so implosive that he blacked out? She wasn’t about to put herself in that position. She was much smarter than that, and she didn’t need the risk.
And if she left him, well. That just made things worse, too. He was still going to be violent. He was still going to hurt things, and people. Anything that stood in his way, really. But Leila had to look out for her number one, herself. That was the best thing to do. If she wound up dead because of him, not as his hands per say but at someone else’s, then everything would have really been pointless.
That’s when she heard the key go into the lock, twist, and the door squeaked open. She rose to her feet and gave a slight smile. Well, it wasn’t even a smile really. It was a slight grimace more than anything. “Sorry.” She said flatly. She hadn’t intended to scare him. “Don’t worry about it.” She said, bringing a hand to brush her hair back. “It’s not a problem. I didn’t mind waiting.” Her voice was so monotone, so emotionless. But that’s what she had to be. She had to be firm. She had to be like stone.
“I actually stopped by to talk to you. You know, about us.” Though she realized how that sounded and needed to back herself up fast. “I mean. Not about us getting back together or anything…” She said, taking her hands and shoving them into the back pockets of her jeans. “The direct opposite, actually.”
***
Luke eyed her wearily. Things had been shaky between them lately, more so then they had been even after he put the shovel through her car. He'd apologized, so much that he'd eventually forgiven him. And they were starting to work things out. Slowly but surely, they were coming to an understanding. That was when things started to change. Luke's outbursts became more frequent, the blackouts were longer and there were chunks of time that he couldn't account for for the life of him. It was scary, but at the same time, Luke wasn't worried by it. Anger was such an easy emotion, it was so easy to be mad, to give into that emotion.
No one else understood that. No one condoned it. Well that wasn't entirely true. And Luke was reminded of evening he spent with Ivy. What he could remember of it at least. That was something that he certainly didn't share with Leila. There was no way that could be the grounds for this 'conversation' though.
Luke walked further into the apartment, into the kitchen where he went to the fridge and got out a bottle of water. He set it down on the counter and turned the face her, trying in the meantime to sort out his thoughts. At the moment, they were all over the map. As far as he was concerned, things between them were fine, they'd just hit a little kink. They could work through this.
"You don't mean that" he said shaking his head. He didn't want to overthink this. Leila was the only person he gave a damn about anymore. If she gave up on him, he didn't know what would happen. "We can talk this out" he said, feeling like he was grasping for straws though. She wasn't ready to just let this go right?
***
We can work this out.
We can talk this through.
Words she heard so often. Words she didn’t want to hear anymore. It seemed as if every time they worked it out, every time they talked it through, things only got worse. And it was time that it all came to an end.
“I don’t want to work it out. I don’t want to talk this through.” Her hands fell to her sides, in case she needed to defend herself. Again, he said he would never strike her but how could she be so sure when he couldn’t even remember chunks of time? His fights? His periods of rage? What if she happened to be part of that black out time that he didn’t remember?
A heavy sigh fell from her lips as she gazed at the man before her. When she looked at him, it was like looking at a perfect stranger. You can’t love a stranger, especially not one who acted like he did. “Luke, you need help!” She said, almost pleading. “You have to know that a much as I do. What you do, what you go through, how you act. It’s not normal!” She said her eyes going soft as she tried to keep her face as stone-like as possible.
“And heaven forbid someone should even bring up Ally. Admit it, you were never really over her. And you never will be. And every time someone brings her up you’re just going to act the same. You’re going to get angry, and one day you’re going to wind up getting hurt. Do you really want that? Is it so worth it, Luke? Really?”
She had to stay strong. She was doing this for her own good. For her own well being. She couldn’t play the game anymore.
***
Luke planted his hands on the countertop solidly. He could hear the steady sound of his heartbeat starting to pound in his ears. His blood pressure was starting to rise slowly, his eyes stayed on her. All the while he was convincing himself that she wasn't really saying this. He looked at her with a knowing look. Of course he needed help. His girlfriend was murdered 3 years ago and he didn't know how to deal with it. "I am getting help, trust me" he said, trying to justify something, but somehow he wasn't sure if she was going to hear him out.
He felt his heart stop all together when she said Ally's name. Leila had never talked about her before, she'd never once brought up her name, even if all his issues centered around his former girlfriend. His mind went totally blank, how was he supposed to answer that. He grabbed his water bottle tightly, and threw it at the floor hard enough that he broke the bottle open. "Don't talk about her, you don't understand" Luke said angrily turning to her. "You don't ever try to understand either" he said raising his voice. "Do you think it's easy, having everyone, including your girlfriend think that your crazy" he said practically yelling. "You don't have any idea what this is like" he said slamming his hands down on the counter. He let out a frustrated sigh.
"Don't pull that" he said shaking his head. "Your trying to tell me that your worried about me hurting myself but you don't even think this is worth salvaging?" he asked. "Make up your mind Lei, you can't have it both ways. "I love you, and I would never do anything to mess that up. Can't you trust me?" he said, almost like he didn't just have a slightly crazy moment just a few seconds before.
***
Stay strong.
She had to keep telling herself, and with the outburst that got her all wet, well it wasn’t so hard to do just that. Her eyes became fixed on the water bottle. Water was tricking out onto the floor, surrounding his shoes.
“This is what I’m talking about.” She said, her voice low and flat. It was as if he had no idea what was going on. This wasn’t some game, and Leila was not about to escort herself with him under the impression that it was alright to be the way he was.
She bent down, and picked up the water bottle. She clenched it in her fist tightly as she brought her gaze back up to him. She glowered long and hard at him, her other hand balling tight at her side. Leila knew how to get mad, too. And she was doing just that.
“How can I trust someone that doesn’t even know what he’s going half the time!?” She raised her voice high. She wanted him to hear her. She wanted to pierce through whatever darkness he was sitting in at that very moment. “It’s obvious that I can’t save you! No one can! You’re too far gone!” That’s when she hurled the piece of plastic right at him with all the force she could muster. “Oh, don’t upset Luke! He’ll kill you! Don’t say that word around Luke, he’ll go crazy!”
She grit down hard, knowing that if anymore pressure were applied to her pearly whites they would surely break and fall from her mouth. “What about everyone else? What about ME! Am I just supposed to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life to keep you happy? Keeping you happy doesn’t even work! Theres not a God damn thing I can do that’s going to make you normal again!”
***
Luke seemed to be oblivious that he'd done anything out of line. There was a sort of mental block in his head, that made it ok to lash out without any feeling of guilt over it. It was like this was just a normal everyday thing. But for him, it was. After three years, he was used to that feeling.
"I'm not crazy Leila" he yelled at her. "I can't help what's going on in my head. I can't help what I remember. Your acting like I chose for this to happen" he said angrily. He slammed his fist hard onto the counter, a resounding slam echoed through the kitchen. He dodged the plastic that she threw at him. It didn't anger him anymore then he already was. Tensions were already high. Hearing her say that he was too far gone felt like a hot knife piecing right through him. She had no faith in him anymore. What was there to strive for anymore.
He leaned back against the counter behind him, rubbing his temples. The blood was pounding hard in his ears, his head was ringing.
"So that's how it is? You just give up and throw this all away" he said frantically. He was angry that she was giving on him. But he was scared as well. She was the single person he trusted. The one person he cared about, the only one he was helping him fight this darkness that was threatening to take over him. And she was going to just throw it all away. To hell with him and their whole relationship. She just didn't care. He was the one left caring. "I loved you and this is what I get, spat at" he said disgusted. "I needed you but you couldn't pull your head out of your own ass long enough to see that and now to hell with it" he said. Under no circumstances would he every say anything like this about her. But he was angered, this was how he reacted. This was him holding back because he would never hurt her.
He put his head in his hands and turned away from her. This was it, he could feel it. There was no coming back from it now. He felt empty, like suddenly nothing mattered anymore. If Leila didn't care about him, no one would. There was no reason for him to care.
***
“You’re right! You’re so right! I’m so selfish!” She said through pursed lips and grit teeth. She growled under her breath, wanting to chuck something at the back of his head as soon as he turned from her. “I’ve only sat here and watched you destroy everything around you. Cut off all ties. Be as far from your parents as you can get. Everyone knows, Luke! Everyone knows what kind of person you’ve become and I can’t help you anymore!”
Her heart was starting to beat faster. She couldn’t handle this. She didn’t come here to fight with him. Though she knew that’s exactly what it was going to be once she told him she was leaving. “I can’t sit here every day, walking on egg shells, making sure that you’re going to be alright. I have to make sure that I’m alright too! How can I take care of you if I’m feeling this way?” Tears stung at the back of her eyes. This was so much more than she wanted to deal with.
“This is going to be the best. For the both of us. You need to regain control of your life, and you can’t do that if I’m around.” With that said she took one last look at the back of his head, then headed for the door - hoping of course, that he wouldn’t follow.
***
Luke hated to hear the truth. Because it meant that he really was this horrible person. That everything he'd done at driven away everyone that had remotely cared. There was no one left to blame anymore. The blame now settled on him. And he didn't like that. None of this was his fault. It wasn't his fault Ally was murdered. It wasn't his fault he didn't know how to cope with it. It wasn't his fault that things had happened like this.
As much as he didn't want to admit it, Leila was his crutch. She was the thing that he leaned on to keep him sane. It was foolish of him to think that that was going to last forever though. There were forces more powerful then the attention she gave him that kept him from going over the edge. And now he was teetering so close to the edge that it didn't matter anymore. She didn't care anyway. To him, this was all about him, he was the one with the problems. He was the one that needed help. He was selfish.
His green eyes darted over to her, catching a momentary glance at her before she turned toward the door. If she walked out that door, she was never going to come back. This was it, the final nail in the coffin. His expression was both hurt and obstinate. He wasn't going to apologize for needing her. And he was too far beyond making amends now. This was it. And as painful as it was, he was more angry then anything.
"Remember, your the one that left Lei. This is all on you" he said, his voice was a mixture of fury and betrayal. He had nothing more to say, there was nothing left in him. He simply didn't care anymore. If she didn't care about him, he would force himself to not care about him. This is what he got for letting someone else close to him. In the end they left. Only this time it was on their own accord. And somehow, that was more painful. He ran his hand over his face, turning away from the door again, he tried to take a deep breath. But all he wanted to do was break something.
***
The walk towards the door was the longest one she had ever had to take. Her heart was sitting heavily in her chest and tears leaked from the corner of her eyes. Love couldn’t be denied, but it could be ignored. And that’s exactly what she had to do. She had to ignore the lingering feelings she had for him. She needed to remove herself from his life. They were done, for good. Maybe now he could get help, learn how to cope with life. She wasn’t going to his safety anymore. He had to walk the tight rope, with no net. He had to learn.
She heard his words as she reached for the door knob. She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. She wasn’t going to let him see that she was feeling morally, and emotionally, guilty. “I can learn to live with that, Luke.” That was the last thing she said to him before she escorted herself out the door. A deep sigh passed over her as she brought her hands up to her eyes. Another deep inhale, a moment of pause, and then she took off down the hall way. She wanted out of that place, and far away from those memories.
As she reached the side walk, she took a look around her. The shuffling people, the fresh air, everything. Her eyes might have been red, and her heart sitting in the pits of her stomach, but it was worth it because at that moment she felt this weight lifted from her shoulders. HIS anger problems were far behind her now. The only thing she had to do was keep her head up, and move forward. It was time to move on with HER life, now.
***
She actually went to the door. She turned around and left without a second glance. She had the capacity to tear him down completely. And it had worked. He was left in the deafening silence of the empty apartment, his heart felt like it was painfully ripping in half. He was so tired of that pain, sometimes he wished he could just rip it out and be over the pain of it all. How did he always end up getting left behind. No matter what happened, he was somehow left behind everyone else with his feelings hurt.
He grabbed the nearest thing to him, which happened to be a toaster. He hurled it as hard as he could across the room and into the mirror that was taunting him with how much the pain was showing in his expression. He didn't want anything taunting him.
After a few minutes, his mini rampage drew to an end. He was tried and nearly anything breakable in his living room was now broken. Fuck it, he didn't care. What was there to care about.
He slammed a bottle down on the counter along with glass. But once he pulled open the top of alcohol, he pushed the glass off into the floor with a resounding crash, opting to just drink straight from the bottle. He sank back against the cabinets, sitting down on the floor of his kitchen, putting his head in his hands as he started to feel the first affects of the alcohol. It calmed him down, at least somewhat.
***
Morgan was becoming more of a thorn in Ivy's side, and she needed to focus on something else besides the anger she felt towards her. Keep your eyes on the prize Ivy, she reminded herself as she walked through the darkened streets of New York. The prize of the moment was one Luke Huntington, the most delicious mundie she had come across in the city so far. He was simply oozing with anger, that was only growing with each passing day. She had experienced it first hand the night they had spent together, and oh how she had enjoyed it.
It had been so tempting to her to burn out his humanity right then and there, but where was the fun in the game, if it ended too quickly? While she needed to get her army together, to line up everything to take out Morgan, she still had a little bit of time to play with, and she was using that to her advantage. Toying with some, drawing out the inevitable--their surrender to her and the darkness. When Luke finally let go? He was going to be magnificent to behold, and he would be hers, at any cost. She wasn't giving him up to anyone, no matter what.
Approaching Luke's apartment building, she spotted Leila leaving, and from the looks of the girl? The last thing standing in her way with Luke, was gone. Oh the pathetic way Leila looked, all heartbroken, eyes red from crying...this was good, it was very good. Making sure the other girl didn't see her, Ivy ducked inside the building and went right up to Luke's. Not bothering to knock on the door, she turned the knob and found it unlocked and she walked right in to utter chaos. From the looks of the apartment, the two of them had definitely broken up.
Smirking with satisfaction, Ivy heard a loud noise, what sounded like glass smashing, and she followed the sound. Spotting Luke with a bottle, surrounded by broken glass and smashed objects, she leaned against the kitchen wall. "It looks like I missed a good show." Walking over to him, she knelt down next to him and stroked his cheek. "Nobody understands you do they Luke? Except for me of course." Sitting down next to him, she could feel the anger radiating off him and it only fed her power. He was losing that last shred of his humanity, and was on the brink of giving in to the darkness inside of him, he was ready, finally.
***
Luke leaned his head back against the cabinets, looking upward at the ceiling as the alcohol started to buzz through his veins. Some part of him wasn't that surprised that this happened. The other part was too damn stubborn to admit that something was wrong. He looked back down at his lone friend, the bottle in his hand. And he took a long drink from it before setting it roughly back down onto the ground.
He didn't even hear anyone come in the apartment. But his expression was full of surprise when his eyes landed on Ivy. He would be lying if he said that he wasn't glad to see her. He was at his most vulnerable right now. Even if he pushed everyone away, what he needed right now was someone. He needed someone in his corner. He needed her. Even if he didn't know it yet. He bit down on his bottom lip, but looked up into her eyes when she said that she understood him. He believed it.
He picked up the bottle in his hand and finished the liquid in it. Once he was done, he starred at it for a long moment. And he tossed it to the side, watching the glass shatter on the floor. He pulled his knees up, propping his elbows on his knees. He cast his gaze back over to the blond who sat perched at his side.
"I've tried. I tried so hard, nothing worked. No one understands. It's like there's this bomb ticking in my head. And everyone thinks I'm crazy" he said running his hand through is hair. "I'm not, I swear." He clenched his fists. He was so angry and so emotional all at the same time. "Why are you here anyway?" he asked curiously. He may have come across a little more grateful for the company if he wasn't an emotional wreck at the moment. But he was curious nonetheless.
***
Manipulation was her favorite game to play, especially with Luke. She had seen just how deep the darkness ran in him, and she wanted him to let go, to unleash his delcious fury on the world. Nobody understood the things he felt, why he was so angry all the time, but none of that mattered to Ivy. She didn't care why he was the way he was, she simply enjoyed it, and encouraged him to let the rage fly free. Looking at him now, she could tell he was at the juncture in his life where a simple choice could be made to change him forever.
As a human, he needed something, but once that humanity was gone, he would like her--strong, sadistic, perfectly and beautifully evil, enjoying the anger and all of the power it brought with it. It was a shame to waste such potential power on being human. Sighing, she hated the pathetic human feeling bid, but she had put too much work in to Luke, she wasn't giving up on him now. Reaching over to touch him, she let him know that he wasn't alone in this, and she wouldn't walk out on him.
Running her hand down his cheek, she took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "You're not crazy Luke. Others just don't understand what is inside of you. You feel like you're trapped, and you are. You need to be free" Oh how she wanted to free him right this second too, to unleash the demon waiting to be born in him, but something held her back. Shrugging at his question, she eyed the mess around them. "I'm here because I was bored and in the neighborhood. It looks like it was perfect timing, you shouldn't be alone right now."
Getting up, she pulled him to his feet before her, a smirk pulling up the corners of her tiny mouth. "Do you want to talk about what happened? Or would you rather just go destroy some more stuff? There's a whole city out there, full of fun and mischief for the taking." Laughing, she wrapped her arms around him, slapping his ass. "I've told you before that it's not good for you to hold all that anger inside. You need to let it go, get it out. It's the only way things will ever change." It was true too, only she didn't elude to him exactly what those changes would entail, or how it would change his life forever.
***
Luke was so used to being told that he was crazy. It was such a radical change to hear someone actually side with him. So much so in fact that he was left without the ability to speak for a moment. Maybe he didn't have to feel bad about the person that he was, maybe he had just spent too much time surrounding himself with people that didn't understand him. He needed more people like Ivy, that were more understanding.
He nodded with each word. It was life she was a mind reader, how was it that she knew so much about how he felt? "I don't know how to do that" he said. He didn't know how to be free. He didn't even know how to be himself.
But he broke a smile for the first time that day. It wasn't wrong that he just wanted someone that gave a damn about him. He craved that attention, positive feedback was vital for any person. Luke was no different then any other person. He allowed her to help him o his fee, feeling a bit of the affect of the alcohol in his system as he stood. But he felt better now then he did earlier. Even these few minutes had done wonders to alter his emotions. It was like there was some sort of buffer that canceled out anything that he didn't want to feel.
"No, I don't really want to talk about what happened" he said shaking his head. What the hell good did talking ever do? It reminded him of years of therapy he'd had to endure. It was bogus, he never felt as if it helped. He eyed her skeptically. "Are you encouraging miscreant behavior on my part?" he asked with a mock innocent look. He bit down on his lip, biting back a grin. "Alright. So you win. I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not" he said, making it sound as if she'd finally swayed him, but his mind had already been made up. "Show me what I need to do to change" he said with a nod. Little did he know how drastic that change actually was going to be.
***
Tilting her head as she looked at him, she forced her face to show nothing but empathy for him. He really was in the most vulnerable state right now, he was perfect for the taking. It was everything she had been working towards in him. When he said he didn't know how to be free, she gave him a soft smile. "I'll show you Luke. It's so very easy, all you have to do is just let go. Stop fighting what you are and embrace it."
Ivy could see that what she was doing was working on him. Instead of feeling like he was a failure, he believed her when she said she understood him, and she really did. He'd had enough of the hassles from other people, from being judged, and it was time to put an end to his torment. Laughing at his bit about encouraging his bad behavior, she nodded her head. "Why yes, I am encouraging it. It's who you are, and you are so damned good at it, it's not right to keep you from it." Squeezing him against her once more, her body rubbed against his in all the right places, teasing him. "There's a whole new life waiting for you Luke, and nothing would make me happier, than to introduce you to it." With a feral smile, she took his hand and led him in to the other room where they could get much more comfortable and the journey could begin...
With him it was different. Because Luke liked that angry feeling. He liked the feeling of sheer power that came when everything else canceled out and all that was left was that anger. It was his forbidden fruit, the feeling he wasn't allowed to indulge in. And it wasn't just his parents, his 'friends' or his teachers who had noticed this. Luke was drawing the attention of sinister forces that were outside of the realm of human. He was dancing a fine line between keeping his soul in tact and burning away his humanity in the place of rage. Though he might be naive to what was in store for him, he wasn't deterred from his angry lashing. The only person who could talk him down was Leila. Because right now, she was the only person he still gave a damn about. The more complex things got, the more strain it caused between them. Even if he noticed the strain, it was easier to pretend that it wasn't there.
He practically punched the button for the elevator, it lit up as the doors slid open. And for a moment he was left to his thoughts alone on the elevator. The doors closed and he slouched against the back wall starring up at the ceiling of the elevator as it rose to his floor. His neck still hurt from the most recent fight that he had gotten into. A fight he'd started. A fight he'd finished. And a fight that landed the other man in intensive care. Fuck if Luke cared. What was another police charge against the resident angry rich kid. He didn't care anymore.
Once the elevator stopped, he headed down the hallway to his apartment. An apartment his parent's generously purchased for him. His family wasn't hurting for money, but the apartment was more to put some distance between themselves and their hotheaded son then a show of their financial status. Luke knew that good and well. But he didn't care, it was his chance to have some freedom. Not that he acted like an adult. He pushed the door open, closing and locking it behind him. But as he turned around, he felt like is heart nearly jumped into his throat when he saw Leila waiting there for him. "Jesus Christ" he said holding his hand over his heard. "You scared to hell out of me Lei" he said taking a breath. She was the only person other then his parents that had a key to this apartment. "You didn't tell me you were stopping by, I would have been here sooner" he said trying to make this situation good, but from the look on her face, he wasn't sure she was too happy right now. He braved a smile, but knew not to be expecting anything good from this.
***
She couldn’t lie to herself. She knew sitting in that apartment, waiting for Luke probably made her look like some crazy stalker. If only. She knew, at that moment, she was the exact opposite. She wasn’t stalking him, matter of fact she wanted to be done with him completely. She couldn’t handle his behavior anymore. It was starting to take a toll on her well being, if his behavior didn’t directly affect her.
Everyone knew he had a problem. Everyone was talking about the fact that he had said problem. And because she had been dating him on and off, well… it only made sense that she too was involved. There was nothing that she could do to help him. If she stayed with him, she was risking her life. Sure, he said that he’d never hit her but what if they got into a fight? What if it was s big, so implosive that he blacked out? She wasn’t about to put herself in that position. She was much smarter than that, and she didn’t need the risk.
And if she left him, well. That just made things worse, too. He was still going to be violent. He was still going to hurt things, and people. Anything that stood in his way, really. But Leila had to look out for her number one, herself. That was the best thing to do. If she wound up dead because of him, not as his hands per say but at someone else’s, then everything would have really been pointless.
That’s when she heard the key go into the lock, twist, and the door squeaked open. She rose to her feet and gave a slight smile. Well, it wasn’t even a smile really. It was a slight grimace more than anything. “Sorry.” She said flatly. She hadn’t intended to scare him. “Don’t worry about it.” She said, bringing a hand to brush her hair back. “It’s not a problem. I didn’t mind waiting.” Her voice was so monotone, so emotionless. But that’s what she had to be. She had to be firm. She had to be like stone.
“I actually stopped by to talk to you. You know, about us.” Though she realized how that sounded and needed to back herself up fast. “I mean. Not about us getting back together or anything…” She said, taking her hands and shoving them into the back pockets of her jeans. “The direct opposite, actually.”
***
Luke eyed her wearily. Things had been shaky between them lately, more so then they had been even after he put the shovel through her car. He'd apologized, so much that he'd eventually forgiven him. And they were starting to work things out. Slowly but surely, they were coming to an understanding. That was when things started to change. Luke's outbursts became more frequent, the blackouts were longer and there were chunks of time that he couldn't account for for the life of him. It was scary, but at the same time, Luke wasn't worried by it. Anger was such an easy emotion, it was so easy to be mad, to give into that emotion.
No one else understood that. No one condoned it. Well that wasn't entirely true. And Luke was reminded of evening he spent with Ivy. What he could remember of it at least. That was something that he certainly didn't share with Leila. There was no way that could be the grounds for this 'conversation' though.
Luke walked further into the apartment, into the kitchen where he went to the fridge and got out a bottle of water. He set it down on the counter and turned the face her, trying in the meantime to sort out his thoughts. At the moment, they were all over the map. As far as he was concerned, things between them were fine, they'd just hit a little kink. They could work through this.
"You don't mean that" he said shaking his head. He didn't want to overthink this. Leila was the only person he gave a damn about anymore. If she gave up on him, he didn't know what would happen. "We can talk this out" he said, feeling like he was grasping for straws though. She wasn't ready to just let this go right?
***
We can work this out.
We can talk this through.
Words she heard so often. Words she didn’t want to hear anymore. It seemed as if every time they worked it out, every time they talked it through, things only got worse. And it was time that it all came to an end.
“I don’t want to work it out. I don’t want to talk this through.” Her hands fell to her sides, in case she needed to defend herself. Again, he said he would never strike her but how could she be so sure when he couldn’t even remember chunks of time? His fights? His periods of rage? What if she happened to be part of that black out time that he didn’t remember?
A heavy sigh fell from her lips as she gazed at the man before her. When she looked at him, it was like looking at a perfect stranger. You can’t love a stranger, especially not one who acted like he did. “Luke, you need help!” She said, almost pleading. “You have to know that a much as I do. What you do, what you go through, how you act. It’s not normal!” She said her eyes going soft as she tried to keep her face as stone-like as possible.
“And heaven forbid someone should even bring up Ally. Admit it, you were never really over her. And you never will be. And every time someone brings her up you’re just going to act the same. You’re going to get angry, and one day you’re going to wind up getting hurt. Do you really want that? Is it so worth it, Luke? Really?”
She had to stay strong. She was doing this for her own good. For her own well being. She couldn’t play the game anymore.
***
Luke planted his hands on the countertop solidly. He could hear the steady sound of his heartbeat starting to pound in his ears. His blood pressure was starting to rise slowly, his eyes stayed on her. All the while he was convincing himself that she wasn't really saying this. He looked at her with a knowing look. Of course he needed help. His girlfriend was murdered 3 years ago and he didn't know how to deal with it. "I am getting help, trust me" he said, trying to justify something, but somehow he wasn't sure if she was going to hear him out.
He felt his heart stop all together when she said Ally's name. Leila had never talked about her before, she'd never once brought up her name, even if all his issues centered around his former girlfriend. His mind went totally blank, how was he supposed to answer that. He grabbed his water bottle tightly, and threw it at the floor hard enough that he broke the bottle open. "Don't talk about her, you don't understand" Luke said angrily turning to her. "You don't ever try to understand either" he said raising his voice. "Do you think it's easy, having everyone, including your girlfriend think that your crazy" he said practically yelling. "You don't have any idea what this is like" he said slamming his hands down on the counter. He let out a frustrated sigh.
"Don't pull that" he said shaking his head. "Your trying to tell me that your worried about me hurting myself but you don't even think this is worth salvaging?" he asked. "Make up your mind Lei, you can't have it both ways. "I love you, and I would never do anything to mess that up. Can't you trust me?" he said, almost like he didn't just have a slightly crazy moment just a few seconds before.
***
Stay strong.
She had to keep telling herself, and with the outburst that got her all wet, well it wasn’t so hard to do just that. Her eyes became fixed on the water bottle. Water was tricking out onto the floor, surrounding his shoes.
“This is what I’m talking about.” She said, her voice low and flat. It was as if he had no idea what was going on. This wasn’t some game, and Leila was not about to escort herself with him under the impression that it was alright to be the way he was.
She bent down, and picked up the water bottle. She clenched it in her fist tightly as she brought her gaze back up to him. She glowered long and hard at him, her other hand balling tight at her side. Leila knew how to get mad, too. And she was doing just that.
“How can I trust someone that doesn’t even know what he’s going half the time!?” She raised her voice high. She wanted him to hear her. She wanted to pierce through whatever darkness he was sitting in at that very moment. “It’s obvious that I can’t save you! No one can! You’re too far gone!” That’s when she hurled the piece of plastic right at him with all the force she could muster. “Oh, don’t upset Luke! He’ll kill you! Don’t say that word around Luke, he’ll go crazy!”
She grit down hard, knowing that if anymore pressure were applied to her pearly whites they would surely break and fall from her mouth. “What about everyone else? What about ME! Am I just supposed to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life to keep you happy? Keeping you happy doesn’t even work! Theres not a God damn thing I can do that’s going to make you normal again!”
***
Luke seemed to be oblivious that he'd done anything out of line. There was a sort of mental block in his head, that made it ok to lash out without any feeling of guilt over it. It was like this was just a normal everyday thing. But for him, it was. After three years, he was used to that feeling.
"I'm not crazy Leila" he yelled at her. "I can't help what's going on in my head. I can't help what I remember. Your acting like I chose for this to happen" he said angrily. He slammed his fist hard onto the counter, a resounding slam echoed through the kitchen. He dodged the plastic that she threw at him. It didn't anger him anymore then he already was. Tensions were already high. Hearing her say that he was too far gone felt like a hot knife piecing right through him. She had no faith in him anymore. What was there to strive for anymore.
He leaned back against the counter behind him, rubbing his temples. The blood was pounding hard in his ears, his head was ringing.
"So that's how it is? You just give up and throw this all away" he said frantically. He was angry that she was giving on him. But he was scared as well. She was the single person he trusted. The one person he cared about, the only one he was helping him fight this darkness that was threatening to take over him. And she was going to just throw it all away. To hell with him and their whole relationship. She just didn't care. He was the one left caring. "I loved you and this is what I get, spat at" he said disgusted. "I needed you but you couldn't pull your head out of your own ass long enough to see that and now to hell with it" he said. Under no circumstances would he every say anything like this about her. But he was angered, this was how he reacted. This was him holding back because he would never hurt her.
He put his head in his hands and turned away from her. This was it, he could feel it. There was no coming back from it now. He felt empty, like suddenly nothing mattered anymore. If Leila didn't care about him, no one would. There was no reason for him to care.
***
“You’re right! You’re so right! I’m so selfish!” She said through pursed lips and grit teeth. She growled under her breath, wanting to chuck something at the back of his head as soon as he turned from her. “I’ve only sat here and watched you destroy everything around you. Cut off all ties. Be as far from your parents as you can get. Everyone knows, Luke! Everyone knows what kind of person you’ve become and I can’t help you anymore!”
Her heart was starting to beat faster. She couldn’t handle this. She didn’t come here to fight with him. Though she knew that’s exactly what it was going to be once she told him she was leaving. “I can’t sit here every day, walking on egg shells, making sure that you’re going to be alright. I have to make sure that I’m alright too! How can I take care of you if I’m feeling this way?” Tears stung at the back of her eyes. This was so much more than she wanted to deal with.
“This is going to be the best. For the both of us. You need to regain control of your life, and you can’t do that if I’m around.” With that said she took one last look at the back of his head, then headed for the door - hoping of course, that he wouldn’t follow.
***
Luke hated to hear the truth. Because it meant that he really was this horrible person. That everything he'd done at driven away everyone that had remotely cared. There was no one left to blame anymore. The blame now settled on him. And he didn't like that. None of this was his fault. It wasn't his fault Ally was murdered. It wasn't his fault he didn't know how to cope with it. It wasn't his fault that things had happened like this.
As much as he didn't want to admit it, Leila was his crutch. She was the thing that he leaned on to keep him sane. It was foolish of him to think that that was going to last forever though. There were forces more powerful then the attention she gave him that kept him from going over the edge. And now he was teetering so close to the edge that it didn't matter anymore. She didn't care anyway. To him, this was all about him, he was the one with the problems. He was the one that needed help. He was selfish.
His green eyes darted over to her, catching a momentary glance at her before she turned toward the door. If she walked out that door, she was never going to come back. This was it, the final nail in the coffin. His expression was both hurt and obstinate. He wasn't going to apologize for needing her. And he was too far beyond making amends now. This was it. And as painful as it was, he was more angry then anything.
"Remember, your the one that left Lei. This is all on you" he said, his voice was a mixture of fury and betrayal. He had nothing more to say, there was nothing left in him. He simply didn't care anymore. If she didn't care about him, he would force himself to not care about him. This is what he got for letting someone else close to him. In the end they left. Only this time it was on their own accord. And somehow, that was more painful. He ran his hand over his face, turning away from the door again, he tried to take a deep breath. But all he wanted to do was break something.
***
The walk towards the door was the longest one she had ever had to take. Her heart was sitting heavily in her chest and tears leaked from the corner of her eyes. Love couldn’t be denied, but it could be ignored. And that’s exactly what she had to do. She had to ignore the lingering feelings she had for him. She needed to remove herself from his life. They were done, for good. Maybe now he could get help, learn how to cope with life. She wasn’t going to his safety anymore. He had to walk the tight rope, with no net. He had to learn.
She heard his words as she reached for the door knob. She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. She wasn’t going to let him see that she was feeling morally, and emotionally, guilty. “I can learn to live with that, Luke.” That was the last thing she said to him before she escorted herself out the door. A deep sigh passed over her as she brought her hands up to her eyes. Another deep inhale, a moment of pause, and then she took off down the hall way. She wanted out of that place, and far away from those memories.
As she reached the side walk, she took a look around her. The shuffling people, the fresh air, everything. Her eyes might have been red, and her heart sitting in the pits of her stomach, but it was worth it because at that moment she felt this weight lifted from her shoulders. HIS anger problems were far behind her now. The only thing she had to do was keep her head up, and move forward. It was time to move on with HER life, now.
***
She actually went to the door. She turned around and left without a second glance. She had the capacity to tear him down completely. And it had worked. He was left in the deafening silence of the empty apartment, his heart felt like it was painfully ripping in half. He was so tired of that pain, sometimes he wished he could just rip it out and be over the pain of it all. How did he always end up getting left behind. No matter what happened, he was somehow left behind everyone else with his feelings hurt.
He grabbed the nearest thing to him, which happened to be a toaster. He hurled it as hard as he could across the room and into the mirror that was taunting him with how much the pain was showing in his expression. He didn't want anything taunting him.
After a few minutes, his mini rampage drew to an end. He was tried and nearly anything breakable in his living room was now broken. Fuck it, he didn't care. What was there to care about.
He slammed a bottle down on the counter along with glass. But once he pulled open the top of alcohol, he pushed the glass off into the floor with a resounding crash, opting to just drink straight from the bottle. He sank back against the cabinets, sitting down on the floor of his kitchen, putting his head in his hands as he started to feel the first affects of the alcohol. It calmed him down, at least somewhat.
***
Morgan was becoming more of a thorn in Ivy's side, and she needed to focus on something else besides the anger she felt towards her. Keep your eyes on the prize Ivy, she reminded herself as she walked through the darkened streets of New York. The prize of the moment was one Luke Huntington, the most delicious mundie she had come across in the city so far. He was simply oozing with anger, that was only growing with each passing day. She had experienced it first hand the night they had spent together, and oh how she had enjoyed it.
It had been so tempting to her to burn out his humanity right then and there, but where was the fun in the game, if it ended too quickly? While she needed to get her army together, to line up everything to take out Morgan, she still had a little bit of time to play with, and she was using that to her advantage. Toying with some, drawing out the inevitable--their surrender to her and the darkness. When Luke finally let go? He was going to be magnificent to behold, and he would be hers, at any cost. She wasn't giving him up to anyone, no matter what.
Approaching Luke's apartment building, she spotted Leila leaving, and from the looks of the girl? The last thing standing in her way with Luke, was gone. Oh the pathetic way Leila looked, all heartbroken, eyes red from crying...this was good, it was very good. Making sure the other girl didn't see her, Ivy ducked inside the building and went right up to Luke's. Not bothering to knock on the door, she turned the knob and found it unlocked and she walked right in to utter chaos. From the looks of the apartment, the two of them had definitely broken up.
Smirking with satisfaction, Ivy heard a loud noise, what sounded like glass smashing, and she followed the sound. Spotting Luke with a bottle, surrounded by broken glass and smashed objects, she leaned against the kitchen wall. "It looks like I missed a good show." Walking over to him, she knelt down next to him and stroked his cheek. "Nobody understands you do they Luke? Except for me of course." Sitting down next to him, she could feel the anger radiating off him and it only fed her power. He was losing that last shred of his humanity, and was on the brink of giving in to the darkness inside of him, he was ready, finally.
***
Luke leaned his head back against the cabinets, looking upward at the ceiling as the alcohol started to buzz through his veins. Some part of him wasn't that surprised that this happened. The other part was too damn stubborn to admit that something was wrong. He looked back down at his lone friend, the bottle in his hand. And he took a long drink from it before setting it roughly back down onto the ground.
He didn't even hear anyone come in the apartment. But his expression was full of surprise when his eyes landed on Ivy. He would be lying if he said that he wasn't glad to see her. He was at his most vulnerable right now. Even if he pushed everyone away, what he needed right now was someone. He needed someone in his corner. He needed her. Even if he didn't know it yet. He bit down on his bottom lip, but looked up into her eyes when she said that she understood him. He believed it.
He picked up the bottle in his hand and finished the liquid in it. Once he was done, he starred at it for a long moment. And he tossed it to the side, watching the glass shatter on the floor. He pulled his knees up, propping his elbows on his knees. He cast his gaze back over to the blond who sat perched at his side.
"I've tried. I tried so hard, nothing worked. No one understands. It's like there's this bomb ticking in my head. And everyone thinks I'm crazy" he said running his hand through is hair. "I'm not, I swear." He clenched his fists. He was so angry and so emotional all at the same time. "Why are you here anyway?" he asked curiously. He may have come across a little more grateful for the company if he wasn't an emotional wreck at the moment. But he was curious nonetheless.
***
Manipulation was her favorite game to play, especially with Luke. She had seen just how deep the darkness ran in him, and she wanted him to let go, to unleash his delcious fury on the world. Nobody understood the things he felt, why he was so angry all the time, but none of that mattered to Ivy. She didn't care why he was the way he was, she simply enjoyed it, and encouraged him to let the rage fly free. Looking at him now, she could tell he was at the juncture in his life where a simple choice could be made to change him forever.
As a human, he needed something, but once that humanity was gone, he would like her--strong, sadistic, perfectly and beautifully evil, enjoying the anger and all of the power it brought with it. It was a shame to waste such potential power on being human. Sighing, she hated the pathetic human feeling bid, but she had put too much work in to Luke, she wasn't giving up on him now. Reaching over to touch him, she let him know that he wasn't alone in this, and she wouldn't walk out on him.
Running her hand down his cheek, she took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "You're not crazy Luke. Others just don't understand what is inside of you. You feel like you're trapped, and you are. You need to be free" Oh how she wanted to free him right this second too, to unleash the demon waiting to be born in him, but something held her back. Shrugging at his question, she eyed the mess around them. "I'm here because I was bored and in the neighborhood. It looks like it was perfect timing, you shouldn't be alone right now."
Getting up, she pulled him to his feet before her, a smirk pulling up the corners of her tiny mouth. "Do you want to talk about what happened? Or would you rather just go destroy some more stuff? There's a whole city out there, full of fun and mischief for the taking." Laughing, she wrapped her arms around him, slapping his ass. "I've told you before that it's not good for you to hold all that anger inside. You need to let it go, get it out. It's the only way things will ever change." It was true too, only she didn't elude to him exactly what those changes would entail, or how it would change his life forever.
***
Luke was so used to being told that he was crazy. It was such a radical change to hear someone actually side with him. So much so in fact that he was left without the ability to speak for a moment. Maybe he didn't have to feel bad about the person that he was, maybe he had just spent too much time surrounding himself with people that didn't understand him. He needed more people like Ivy, that were more understanding.
He nodded with each word. It was life she was a mind reader, how was it that she knew so much about how he felt? "I don't know how to do that" he said. He didn't know how to be free. He didn't even know how to be himself.
But he broke a smile for the first time that day. It wasn't wrong that he just wanted someone that gave a damn about him. He craved that attention, positive feedback was vital for any person. Luke was no different then any other person. He allowed her to help him o his fee, feeling a bit of the affect of the alcohol in his system as he stood. But he felt better now then he did earlier. Even these few minutes had done wonders to alter his emotions. It was like there was some sort of buffer that canceled out anything that he didn't want to feel.
"No, I don't really want to talk about what happened" he said shaking his head. What the hell good did talking ever do? It reminded him of years of therapy he'd had to endure. It was bogus, he never felt as if it helped. He eyed her skeptically. "Are you encouraging miscreant behavior on my part?" he asked with a mock innocent look. He bit down on his lip, biting back a grin. "Alright. So you win. I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not" he said, making it sound as if she'd finally swayed him, but his mind had already been made up. "Show me what I need to do to change" he said with a nod. Little did he know how drastic that change actually was going to be.
***
Tilting her head as she looked at him, she forced her face to show nothing but empathy for him. He really was in the most vulnerable state right now, he was perfect for the taking. It was everything she had been working towards in him. When he said he didn't know how to be free, she gave him a soft smile. "I'll show you Luke. It's so very easy, all you have to do is just let go. Stop fighting what you are and embrace it."
Ivy could see that what she was doing was working on him. Instead of feeling like he was a failure, he believed her when she said she understood him, and she really did. He'd had enough of the hassles from other people, from being judged, and it was time to put an end to his torment. Laughing at his bit about encouraging his bad behavior, she nodded her head. "Why yes, I am encouraging it. It's who you are, and you are so damned good at it, it's not right to keep you from it." Squeezing him against her once more, her body rubbed against his in all the right places, teasing him. "There's a whole new life waiting for you Luke, and nothing would make me happier, than to introduce you to it." With a feral smile, she took his hand and led him in to the other room where they could get much more comfortable and the journey could begin...
